Happy Valentine’s Day

As a woman who separated from her husband roughly six months ago, soon to be divorced, today is an interesting day to say the least. I’ve never been big on Valentine’s Day for as long as I can remember, however my soon to be ex-husband never quite understood my disinterest, and we always celebrated with heart-shaped, chocolate covered Reese peanut butter cups, exchanged gifts we both likely purchased at the very last minute, and went to highly overpriced restaurants to prove we loved one another. One particular year, I got my way, and we did a bar crawl in one of the popular restaurant/bar districts, stopped into a hot dog spot I’d wanted to try, grabbed fresh baked pies from a dessert shop, and people watched as we walked through the streets. It felt fun and whimsical to me, but he wasn’t quite feeling it and felt like we should be doing something more textbook valentines day. So from then on, I just went with the “program” and did the fancy dinner thing. Last year, I don’t even think we exchanged gifts. We were already pretty much over each other. I’d gone numb from years of suppressing feelings and he’d already mentally checked out because he felt his needs weren’t met in the relationship.

So when I thought about Valentine’s Day approaching, I was nervous because I didn’t know what to expect. I’ve cried so many tears over the last few years and have shocked myself at the crying that’s taken place in just the the last few months. Would I spend my day crying over my failed marriage? Wondering how he was spending his day and what were their plans together? Would I feel rejected and depressed that I’d be spending Valentine’s weekend alone (well, the kids are here, lol) with not even a prospect of love in my life while he spends his weekend with his new girlfriend? The one who makes him want to be a better man (*insert eyeroll*)? Pondering what he bought her and what fancy restaurant they’re going to?

Well, no to the first question. Not a single tear has even welled in my eye up to this point. In fact, all week I’ve felt RELEIF that I don’t have to participate in this holiday in the traditional sense. I’m thankful I don’t have to fight for reservations and get all dressed up and be photo ready to pretend I’m happier than I am. And while I’m naturally curious what he bought his mistress girlfriend, it’s not my concern anymore and no price can be put on the peace I feel exiting that relationship. I love the three beautiful boys we created while we were together, and I’m happy to be spending the weekend with them. I enjoy being the role of mother, even though it is completely INSANE and utterly EXHAUSTING.

I’m grateful that the next chapters of my life will be focused on defining what happiness means to me, and living in alignment with that. I’ve never been a “textbook” kind of person, and always march to the beat of my own drum. So, I’m sad that my marriage ended the way that it did, but grateful that I still have love and hope in my heart. I may not like Valentine’s Day, but I love my family and always will, no matter what it looks like. And life is full of romance, you just have to look for it in unconventional ways. I’m glad you’re here reading, and hope you enjoy your Valentine’s Day, whatever and whoever it includes. And if it’s just you, know that I love you!