Honesty,
If I’m being honest, the hurt from my husband’s betrayal and what I view as continued disrespect makes me furious. The last few months I’ve been consumed by it. Daily I fight the urge to slash his tires, cuss his ass out, punch him in the face, go up to his job and cause a scene, drag his new girlfriend through his apartment, and in general making his life living hell. But I don’t. I’m kind. I smile when I see him (weakly, lol). I ask how he’s doing (even though I want the report to be negative) and in general, act pleasantly when I’m around him. People have told me I’m too nice. They would’ve done this or they would’ve done that. They can’t figure me out, probably think I’m being weak.
The truth is, I don’t know how I’m “supposed” to act or what I’m supposed to be doing. I never really envisioned being separated, let alone approaching divorce. Definitely never imagined how much this shit hurt. It hurts more than anything I’ve ever experienced. If the kids weren’t here, I think things would be different. I’d act out A LOT more. I’d probably be in jail in all honesty. But I know they’re watching. My children also are my daily reminder that God is also watching. My husband cheated on me for only God knows how long. From what I gather it was the entire time before and during our marriage. He claims is was just once, but once you’re caught in a lie, the house of cards pretty much starts falling apart. I know I wasn’t the perfect wife, not even close, but I was completely committed to my husband and my marriage with him. It broke me. It shattered me. Even now, two years after finding out and six months after he moved out, my heart is still broken. Each day I pick up new pieces and do what I can to repair it. However I know it will be a long while before it’s whole again.
There are two categories of love. The feeling and the act. I think most of us chase the feeling, that’s what makes us all warm and tingly inside, the feelings of butterflies. But to commit to the act of loving someone is a daily commitment. I committed to my husband even in the midst of his unfaithfulness. I can’t help but think of how much God loves me, even when I do whatever the hell I want, seeking his grace instead of committing to honor him daily.
When I love back on the story of my marriage, I want it to be clear that I loved my husband until the very end. While he moved on and began a new relationship before our divorce was even filed, is his business. As a woman of faith, I tried my best to walk in love every step of the way, even when it hurt me. Even when it keep me feeling broken. I never closed the door on my relationship with him. I didn’t tell him “I’d never take him back.” I have remained his wife and continued to act accordingly. My husband chose to walk away, and although is hurts me deeply, I can go through the rest of my life with no regret about my conduct during this time. I didn’t make it hard for him. I didn’t refuse reconciliation. I didn’t even change the locks on the house. When my children ask what happened, I will tell them. I didn’t choose to be a single mother. I choose to carry myself with love and grace. I choose to honor myself while also honoring my relationship. I choose not to beg someone to stay with me who clearly had other desires. I am not proud of my impending divorce by any means and still believe marriage is worth fighting for. However, I am proud that I didn’t make a bad situation worse by being petty, manipulative, aggressive, violent, or unreasonable. I am proud that I kept my heart open, even though I wasn’t his choice.
I’m proud that I’m choosing to heal instead of continuing to live in bitterness and isolation.
